I didn’t want to be this old trying to have a kid quite honestly, but I guess my life isn’t set up like that… to just be perfect you know. Yet, here I am… TTC (trying to conceive over 35+ = geriatric pregnancy over here at 37 years old).
I had dreams and ideas of having kids… specifically a girl and a boy. Although my ideas and what I wanted was blatantly tampered with… I still had dreams of one day having more than one kid.
When I was previously married, I wanted to give my husband a daughter and a son… but by then my ex, already had a kid (and a few others) on the way… by someone else. Hence the term, “ex.” Anyways, at that moment when I realized that I would no longer exist in that relationship, I felt like my life was ruined! My plans of having an intact family was ruined! “He ruined my life” is what was written on the stone wall of my heart after he ‘ramshackled’ through it like a clumsy burglar. I was devastated… not necessarily to lose him and our broken marriage, but that the kids that I wanted to have would be no more… or so I thought.
had has a different plan for my life, and I was able to get remarried, and this time to my best friend. When we started dating, we both wanted to have more kids. Deciding how many kids was something we tossed around until we moved to California. Then we painstakingly decided to put off having kids until we could afford it. We both didn’t want to be irresponsible in raising a kid… especially after having gone through an already traumatic experience with my daughter, and the realization that my husband had a son from someone else in a previous life. Our lives are just not set up to run smoothly as you can see… but one thing we both wanted was for God to be included as the bond that held us together. Having God in your marriage is not easy… actually, the relationship seems much harder when God is involved, as you can’t hide from God, and he doesn’t let you off the hook that easy… he makes you confront your issues, deal with your hangups, and drag the baggage out of the closet. It’s all for your good he says… and in hindsight, it really is… but it sure doesn’t feel that way when you are in the thick of things.
Now though… we’re much older, more wiser (well not really), and feel more prepared to raise another kid. We have more help, and my daughter is much more older and independent. Now comes the waiting game. One would think all things leading up to this point was the waiting game… but no, it wasn’t. Now I look around and cringe… what is God trying to tell me?? Everyone I know is pregnant but me… what lesson am I supposed to learn from this?? Why did I have to wait THIS long to get pregnant?? How come my life didn’t straighten up a few years ago when I was younger and more fertile??
Yesterday, I made it a point to stop looking at human ways to solve this thing and try God. Like seriously, TRY GOD. God has said over and over in his word to TRY Him… see that what He does is good and watch Him work and open doors! I want that, I need that in my life right now. But oh… here comes Satan’s funky behind creeping up next to you trying to encroach on your spiritual life and well-being.
Satan has a plan to get you to believe his lies… and there are a few of them that I’ve (we all) fallen for, but not anymore. Not today!
Lie #1) If you haven’t gotten what you’ve asked for from God, then maybe you did not hear God correctly. I’m guilty of doing this… sometimes I just give up when I see a roadblock. When I don’t see what I’ve been wanting to see when I want to see it, sometimes I just throw in the towel thinking that I wasn’t supposed to have it anyways. Too difficult! During this time, what I should do is relive the times when God has provided! Reminisce on the good times in which God did bless us with things we’ve prayed for, and rejoice in Him for always coming through at the right time. “We may have to travel down memory lane many times during our wait” and ask God for clarity and assurance as we wait.
“Trust his delays rather than doubt His ways.”
Lie #2) If you are waiting and haven’t received God’s blessing, then maybe you weren’t supposed to have that in the first place or it wasn’t God’s will for your life. I’ve doubted, I’ve seconded-guessed, I’ve indirectly asked a question to see if the answer would pertain to my situation. I’ve asked this out loud to myself, “what if God doesn’t want us to have kids? What if we aren’t good parents and we don’t deserve to have kids. What if God doesn’t want us to have anymore because of the things in our past? Could this be punishment?” My mom told me during one of those inconspicuous questions about ‘is what I want a desire/will/plan from God or my own desires/will/plan’, she would often respond and tell me that God has a plan for all of our lives, and that if he has given you the desire, it will be just as he said, but when he says it. We should still continue to pray as the request hasn’t been fulfilled as of yet. We should pray without ceasing and that’s always a good step toward keeping our faith towards Jesus. We also should look for confirmation in God’s word! He will let us know if we are on the right track.
Lie #3) If you are waiting and not getting what you asked for, then maybe you haven’t prayed enough. Well for me, I know that I do pray for the desires of my heart, more so during the times of wait. I think that is human nature… however, we should be praying continually during times of plenty and during lean times. God is not a genie, and no set amount of praying will do the trick… God will not be used like that… he wants us to depend on him for all our needs, and that can be a struggle when you are in the land of plenty… we must always remember that God is the giver and taker of all things in our lives, and it is up to him to decide when and what we will have in our possession. So we should continue to pray, but pray for our resolve in the matter, not pray just to have things we want.
Lie #4) If you are waiting, then you must not have enough faith to get what you want. One thing that we must remember is that God is faithful despite our unfaithfulness, despite our impatience, despite our attempts at usurping what we want, despite the manipulation we do, despite our lack of action. God is using this time of wait to allow us to grow up spiritually. He is waiting for me to realize my need for Him. He is waiting on the right time to bless our family. He is waiting until I’ve learned my lesson that He wants to teach me. He is waiting so that we can grow closer to Him.
It’s not about me… EVER… it’s about God.
Once we all can see that and get out of God’s way, then he will open up the floodgates in our lives and bestow his wonderful plans on our lives for us… but if we keep acting and believing in the lies the devil tells us, all of our joy will continue to be stolen. Glean the lessons during the wait… don’t wait until there is no other choice. Do what needs to be done… but give the rest to God!